I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize