Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Its about making memories worth repressing
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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