I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
