he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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