the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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