lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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