I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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