so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize