I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Is it penis luge time yet?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
