He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
