I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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