found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
