Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Come on in and take your pants off
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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