GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize