well I can't set my house on fire every night
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
