The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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