I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
