someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
