I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
