I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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