What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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