Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
