Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
my poor anus
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
