i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
