ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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