You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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