And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
