My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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