Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize