shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
