hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I am spending my child support on dildos
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
