just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
