My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
