Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
