i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
