So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
