and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
