I want to have your abortion
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
