id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
