If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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