I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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