At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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