my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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