Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
