I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
