once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
