I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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