His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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