he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
