All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
