She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
