Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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