I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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