remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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