and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
