I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize